Contorted illusions

gxing @ 2009-10-24T18:04:00

2009-10-24T11:22:08Z

just,
a subtle reminder
its been 5 months
:)

and i want you to know.
i'm not going anywhere.

love,
xing

hit back.

2009-10-20T12:17:37Z

i was disappointed when i saw what i have gotten. For the effort i had put into this, i'm sure i deserve much better. But no, i'm no where near even the average. this really sucks. Refreshing the page several times didnt change what i dont want to accept. Its kinda hard to deal with. But i've been here before, gotta hit right back. Just gotta keep believing, that i'll make it there right at the end.

and its no coincidence that at that point , all i wanted was to hear your voice.

gxing @ 2009-08-05T00:40:00

2009-08-04T16:59:48Z

it sucks without you here.

letter for the 2 years old

2009-06-28T19:36:18Z

today you lost something precious to you.
so sudden, it caught you off
i know you are feeling terrible.
i could see it in your eyes.
your puffy pink eye lids,
those crystal clear tears rolled.
each filled with so much emotions.
i'm never good with words.
mayb thats why i was there.
to make you feel what my words can nv do.
that i would have gotten you the stars,
just to make you smile,
like the little girl you are.

for your mama ~

The airplane is waiting for its only passenger to board.

2009-06-14T07:24:32Z

I've never done anything quite like this before, living life so precariously. Neither have i felt like time is always running out. I'm made to live like everyday is the last day. Living like this is tiring. draining. but at the same time the feeling is exhilarating real. mayb its why i cherished this much. its so excitingly beautiful. it gave me the courage to be brave for awhile to fight for something that shouldn't be. I'm never one to work within a timeline and now i find myself giving everything to keep the weak kindling burning. it feels like i've said everything. but somehow i havent. because words alone don't suffice how wonderfully wrong this whole thing is. as though the mistakes were there to be committed.

" can i have a double g burger, no veg, extra sugar and spice. "

succumb

2009-05-27T12:29:40Z

what changes somebody?

all your life you always believed
but
you wake up one day and realised your best is never gonna be good enough.
you lose that swagger.
you lose that edge.
how will you take the fall.

the first blade of grass made me smile

2009-05-18T15:59:54Z

Everyday Sunday.

relishing every ounce of pain and ache flowing through.
How i wish everyday is sunday.

22 men and a ball

2009-05-07T08:11:35Z

What a week of champions' league football.
And Manchester United made it into the finals once again.

Everyone who watched last night's match between Chelsea and Barca would have seen the fiasco after the game. I'm not condoning the actions of any of the players neither am i condemning them. Because cliche it may sound, football really is a passionate game. Especially when so much is at stake. When you feel you had done enough or deserve to go through only to be denied at the last moment, you feel robbed. They were this <-----> near. I read many comments ' The players are a disgrace' - but their reactions after the match are a true indication of how much the game actually meant to them. Sportsmanship or not, nobody likes losing. And when the defeat hits you like how it hits the chelsea players, sense is really out of the window. i had my fair share of upheavals on the pitch down the years, so i know that when it happens, everything else just didn't matter.
Passion has its very unique ways of showing itself and yesterday just wasn't the nicest.
lets not heap on the misery any further.

Cruelty has no sympathy. For chelsea to be eliminated from this competition in such dramatic fashion consecutively, it must be hard to take. I feel for them, even more so for John Terry. A rematch against Man utd in the finals must be what he has been dying for since that very kick last year. This must be the best or rather the last few chances chelsea will have in making it to the finals again. The ghost of '08 remains to haunt and he will just have to live with the regret in him.

Manchester United vs Barcelona.
a dream final.

Back at one.

2009-05-03T14:59:34Z

Just recovered from a small bout of flu. I guess all the late nights, all the champions league has taken its toll on me (again). It was good in a sense, i got to rest at home for a day just to catch up on my sleep. And that sure is precious. Now i make it a point to sleep earlier, just something my body has been trying to tell me all these while.

And i finally got to play soccer today. It took me only my first dash down the pitch to find out that - i'm seriously unfit. Few moments of brilliance here and there but that's all i could muster. but i really enjoyed myself out there. No words could suffice. Nothing ever comes close to this. Hopefully the match with Bp peeps at the end of the month is still on.

the smell of mud and grass never fails to trigger a flash flood of images, emotions, ambitions, regrets, nostalgia.

when fear strikes.

2009-04-29T18:05:59Z

when i was young, i listened to my parents quarrel.
seeking solace behind that tattered and worn cushion,
with an influx of anger and fear.
i would try to isolate myself,
wishing i'd be somewhere else.
then i could hear the engine roar from within.
the speed needle raced as the rift escalated.
as though velocity was an indication of intensity.
feeling the wrath of every newton force, the torque from the 12-wheeler truck exerted,
on my little body.

as fear sets in,
i slowly understood what i didn't back then.
as i take it out on a long night drive,
down midnight highway.

If music be the food of love, play on.

2009-04-26T18:15:33Z

my lit teacher just gave me a 9.2.

i guess thats an A ?

night.

if you're awake.

2009-04-26T02:40:51Z

If you're awake now,
i'll tell you that today was alright,
that the sun was bloody scorching,
that the roads were pretty congested,
that the air at night was stifling.
that i beat you on bejeweled blitz.

or
just let the silence take over.
tell you that today was weird.
that i couldnt stop,
and i waited.
that i dont feel like sleeping yet.

if you're awake now.

gxing @ 2009-04-13T23:17:00

2009-04-13T15:35:08Z

i hardly have anything to write about these days. i wasnt intending to either. Its around 11pm and there's work tmr. Then, i was reminded of the date that is today by a fb news feed - 13/4/2009.

2 years ago, i was enlisted.
memories started surging in. i guess that cant be helped. we went through so much during those times. I'm sure the rest of them felt the same too. it may just be a passing date, but a date that means alot to us.

and coincidentally i was watching << Oil, sweat and Rig >> on discovery channel. Its about some oil rig divers. They used some pretty technical terms which i was secretly proud that i know and is familiar with.

'We breathe underwater'

etched,
- 13/4/2007 -

what if right from the start , you know it aint gonna work?

2009-04-01T11:33:56Z

hey,
i got my pay. but doing the maths tells me i still cant do the things i wanna do and get the things i wanna get.
how bout barely making ends meet.
i'm not complaining. lifestyle gotta change.

chin is coming over to work for lanvin but we dont get many common shifts.
yuhao just won the manhunt.
i walked so much in the shop, i can travel to the moon and back 7 times.
and i've got lots of full shift next month.

cast away all the lust.

closing that divide

2009-03-23T15:18:29Z

Almost every morning before i go to work, i'll watch Jon and Kate + 8. It is a reality show that features this couple with their super duper cute 8 kids, six of which are sextuplets. It a pretty nice show. i like to watch how Jon and kate handle 8 children, which really is quite a handful. plus all the cute and funny things those little kids do.
Kinda makes me wanna have my own children! somehow. ha.

Cara, Mady, Alexis, Hannah, Aaden, Collin, Leah, Joel (:

So lovable right. (click the image to see them closer)

I'm past the transition phase at work. Getting along better with colleagues, integrating into the system at work etc etc. At least i learnt some stuffs from this job. Get to meet interesting people - stylists, designers , socialites. but I'm also glad i dont have to do this for the rest of my life. Cannot imagine waking up to the same routine of such lifestyle everyday. Probably will kill me faster than cancer does. My guess is , 3 more months and i'll start packing up already.

Many of you wouldn't have heard of Lanvin cos it isnt well known here but its pretty big elsewhere. Its right up there as a luxury brand. you should find out more bout this french oldest couture house. And the 2 creative designers responsible for Lanvin's pieces are, Elber Albaz and Lucas Ossendrijver. You can find their Spring/Summer collection at Lanvin's webpage. They also have the Lanvin's Dolls wearing Lanvin's runway pieces. Post photos of them when i've gotten my hands on them.
Hopefully the next time i tell people where i'm working at, they wont go " huh? Lanvin? "

Heng's birthday celebration.

he laughed at man utd.

really 'last' time

Cant wait for my pay next week. Then i can get things i want, do the things i wanna do.
rah. and save some money. and i wanna play kick balls.
I need more sparks in my life. Things that i can look forward to...

i wanna do something dangerous, be dangerous.
and stop being so safe.

i like the old me.

2009-03-08T14:18:01Z

After weeks of job searching, i'm officially employed. In fact, i'm one week into my work.

i'm working at Lanvin (\pronounced as lan-van\). Retail hours kinda sucks? i can hardly meet my friends now unless its like really really late. And i'll be missing quite a few birthday celebrations from now on. i love birthday celebrations ): i'll probably need to sacrifice ~~wed's zouk~~, my weekend soccer too! rah! and the dress shoes with really hard wooden sole is hurting my feet together with all the standing. i'm still trying to figure out how to modify my insole to make my feet as comfy as possible. But but i'll do fine. just have to make full use of my offs when there is one. Come have lunch/dinner with me whoever you are!

i've found my footing. no longer at a loss like i once were. probably having a job helps. at least i don't wake up knowing i'll be sleeping away the rest of the day. now, i'm glad just to end off a busy day with a meet up with friends late into the night (:

i need to start planning my next off day. Supper supper! convoy!
~~lets hit the clubs soon. much H. boo.~~

what would you do if you were in my shoes?

whats wrong with the world.

2009-02-17T14:16:31Z

i think if the world were to stop revolving one day. i'll be the first to die.

when the eyes flood

2009-02-16T04:59:00Z

Its has been a great week.

Great escape Vday (:

Drunk fest at zouk! probably REALLY the last time that all of us will get to go together again. and the thought of that seriously saddens me. We rocked the club always.

WAKEBOARDING after so many months without. maybe also the last :(

BBQ at ZZ lau's SGD 1.2m seaview condo! Farewell for jason tan, my man.

Ord last thurs. Got my pink ic, my civilian status and my freedom back. somehow i cant help but feel sad. why cant i ord and be happy like everyone else. boo. i was at a loss. This has been OUR way of life for the past 2 years and now everything has to change. even sunday night felt weird , cos i dont have to wake up early for work the next morning. no more " last time " clubbing, no more wakeboard, no more convoy supper , no more frolick . . . everybody is saying we must keep in contact but deep down we all know its gonna be hard and we'll lose a few along the way. i'll miss all my batch boys. How i dread parting, i'm never good at this.

to top things off , tonight we'll all be sending off jason to fight bush fires in australia. jason and i are from the smurfs boat (we're tall but others are taller), one of the first few i knew in ndu. all the best aw tan. you'll be missed. i'm bringing buckets to collect the tears tonight :(

Buddies for life :)

25 randoms

2009-02-02T11:18:45Z

Rules: Once you've been tagged, you are supposed to write a note with 25 random things, facts, habits, or goals about you. At the end, choose 25 people to be tagged. You have to tag the person who tagged you. If I tagged you, it's because I want to know more about you!

1- i like strawberry candies, strawberry cake, strawberry ice-cream.

2- i will get diabetes when i grow old cause i can never cease my sugar crave. Super sweet tooth.

3- i can never let go of things. i live in the past.

4- I have split personalities. but most of the time i'm the crap regurgitator and just me. I also take awhile to open up to strangers. i can be very friendly and I'm actually very nonsense.

5- i love soccer. love the feeling playing in front of a crowd and knowing someone inside is cheering for you. i miss it.

6- Age is a dream killer. At 20, i feel like i dont have much time for dreams. i always wanted to be the next young prodigy in soccer. i once rejected an Under 16s coach when i was in secondary school. It left me wondering what could have been by now.

7- My coach once told me the team was built around me. and up till today, it remains a regret i didn't play as well as i should for my school. I still dream of being the champions with my team. if only i could turn back time to have another shot at gold. i'll give whatever it takes.

8- my best friend is a girl. We are very unique in our own way thats why we make really good BFF.

9- when i was young i used to believe i was picked up from the garbage dump and that eating alot will make you full and hence, pregnant. mayb that explains why i was mal-nutrition. So much for education yea.

10- i always wanted to walk in the rain with the person i love.

11- i want to go NTU because everybody seems to be there. and i hope i make the right choice for my course.

12- I'm a big big Man Utd fan. i think Man Utd will be the champions again this year! Glory Glory Man Utd!!

13- I have a big head and squeaky voice. Laugh all you wan. YES YOU!

14- i like drunk dialling! (: ha...

15- i'm not a serial alcoholic. but it does makes me feel good. and I've never been dead drunk except maybe once.

16- i like surprises and i like surprising people. It takes alot of effort to execute and its always fun to see the expression on the person's face. BOO!

17- i'm an emo boy and i stone quite alot. so if you meet me on an emo day, stay away or offer me a hug (if you're a guy, option 1 pls.)

18- I like little children. i think i'd make a good father (: ahaha. and take their piggy banks from them (inside joke)

19- i'm also not a serial clubber. its just that the last time never comes.

20- I love my mum and dad. they've given me alot. thanks!

21- i'm afraid of loneliness. Thats why i like to have late night chats on the phone.

22- i wish i can study forever and dont have to go out and work.

23- i've forgotten how to speak to a girl (booze induction excluded). she'll have to stick around long enough to see whats underneath me. and i hope she sees a gem.

24- i like going on long night drive. just speeding down the lanes makes the adrenalin pumping.

25- I'm a lousy friend. i sucks at catching up and remembering birthdays. I need to catch up more with my friends before i start drifting from them. i'll do a better job yea!

this turned out much harder than i expected.
see your note soon (:

look over your shoulders.

2009-01-08T12:51:13Z

most of the times, i don't like crossing over to the new year. Its like the end of the festives and into a brand new year. i don't like changes, so i've never really been a fan. but somehow this year, 2009 seems to be a fresh start for me. i feel this 'crossing over' gave me the room to look back and reflect on the things that i've learnt, i should have done, i want to do. maybe becos of the way the year ended, i was forced to find fault with myself. one big big find is :" gx, you have to start SAVING money."
suddenly everything i do and feel is so 'adult-y'.i wonder if age is catching up. talking bout age, this year is 21st for most of my friends. i should make it a point to remember it BETTER than i've been doing. i will. i will.

in some weird way , 2009 is starting to excite every vibes in me. all the best to the new year peepz (:

and i should stop eating like food is going to run out tomorrow.

the church bells have stopped ringing

2009-01-04T14:07:28Z

PL's birthday was a bash. Everybody had fun or at least i had fun. ha. i wonder when's the next time considering the financial turmoil i'm in! i'm desperately searching for a job now. cant afford no pay cheque for feb. the newspapers are not lying. the year is just going to get harder. ha

xmas party with bgang peepz. always nice to be around them. Crazy wii boxing! haha. freaking cant stop laughing.
new year's countdown at chin's place. Drink, drink , poker , poker. kinda wish ord wont come so soon. we're starting to have real fun tgt. LAST TIME. this FRI! (inside joke)

Life's been pretty good recently. i just want to sleep through the morning, watch my tv, play my computer, kick my soccer, eat my supper, lick my frolick ice-cream, party through the weekend (:

SWEEEEEEEEEEE

love starts pouring in

2008-12-11T16:01:40Z

20th's a blast (:

we rockz ~

what more can i ask for?
thanks guys :))

the little things

2008-12-06T04:33:29Z

wait for it

a typical 'eat-rice' family. HUAT AH! haha

at the end of the day,
you know they are the ones that'll be there.

DEC

2008-12-05T21:39:48Z

December is here. how not to love.
its gonna be real fun i'm sure.

HAppy birthday XUAN, RAYNA, ANNA , GARY !
(:

Right now.

2008-11-08T04:14:13Z

low on confidence. high on fatigue.
i wanna be the designer label on your shelf.